I truly hope you get to read this,although i dont even know what colour im writing it in,its like rest of my life falling apart,iv lost some of my drivers and so from where im sitting is all in black and white.
Firstly id like to address the question of my behaviour,and be totaly honest with you,i was still drinking……….in other words i was lying to you,i cant beleive im admitting this but i cant lie any longer,you deserve better.
My drinking is something i have found no one can have control over apart from me,i truly do love you,and have the highest of respect for you…..but an alcahol dependant person will never stop untill,they feel they are ready to walk down the path that lays ahead.Its ok for others to say its a choice,its not,it wasnt even an addicttion to me just an escape from my life in general,i got so sick of always being knocked back on my ass when id achived so much,i started to think i just generated bad luck my fate was set out for me and that was that.
Then i met you and everything was so different,we hadnt met in person,i fell for you,in love with you before we met,why?………you
were a breath of fresh air,you gave me nothing but the truth from the start ,and i admired you so much for that.Which is why i find it so hard to deal with now you went so callus and cold on me.
I went back to step 1 on friday,i sat infront of a stranger and admitted i am addicted to drink,i even sighned paperwork accepting help,my next step inbetween,is to go on tuesday for a liver test and a test on my heart before i can again go on anti abuse,this i didnt do for you but for me,im sick of who i am,living the way i do.
You see Sir nomatter who you are or how hard you try,there is one thing you cant fix,no amount of submitting can wipe away the memory of my 6 year old son standing on my steps with that look on his inocent face wondering what just happened,or the fight that ensued as i tried to fight his dad to leave my house,or stop me asking myself did i realy know what had happened and just ignore it.
he was my son why didnt i see the sighns,why didnt i know?
The night it happened,stuart was a child just over a year old and shared the same room,have you any idea what thoughts go round my brain,how do i know it didnt happen to him but he just cant remember?
If everything you taught me,and the way you treated me is the way you treat all trainee subs,you need to know the damage you can cause,when someone who is unused to being cuddled or cared for,and you notice so much you mention it,dont you think you had a duty to mention then,That you as Dom get satisfaction from just picking someone up,changing there life and waching them use the gifts you gave them to become a better person?
You gave me so much,then you left without a Goodbye,where is the respect in that? Dont you dare treat me this way,why cant you pick up a fone and be honest about how you feel,i was……….i even pointed out why i came to the conclusion you loved me to,and you didnt correct me just blocked me altogether.
HERE IS MY HONESTY,AT LEAST RETURN IT BEFORE I HAVE TO FACE WHAT IS APPROACHING ME IN THE NEXT WEEK.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you’ve done
Forgive all your mistakes
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won’t be there
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just want to hide ’cause it’s you I miss
You know it’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I’ve missed you since you’ve been away
Oh, it’s dangerous
It’s so out of line to try to turn back time
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself
By hurting you
of silence.
Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools" said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence.
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper’d in the sounds
"
This may seem like a realy strange blog Sir but the thoughts running round my head are strange,if i stay i remind myself daily of what Davy Swan done,how he totaly fucked up my brain,how mark leith took abuse of my submission got me to cut for him to bausque in the glory of my pain.
If i go i leave behind the home my security,where stuart took his first steps,derek broke his heart over loosing his first girlfreind,and the place where i first,met you,the only person in my life to ever trust me enough to RESPECT ME.
You hear me so clearly
And see how I try
You feel me, so heal me
And tear me apart
And I won’t tell a soul
I won’t tell at all
And do they have to know
About my goodnight girl
Caught up in your wishin’ well
You hopes inside it
Take your love ‘n’ promises
And make them last(you make them last)
You keep me so near you
And see me so far
And hold me and send me
And deep in your heart
And I won’t tell a soul
I won’t tell at all
And i won’t let them know
About my goodnight girl
Caught up in your wishin’ well
You hopes inside it
Take your love ‘n’ promises
And make them last ( you make them last )
Caught up in your wishin’ well
You hopes inside it
Take your love ‘n’ promises
And make them last ( you make them last )
It doesn’t matter how sad
I made you
Doesn’t matter how hard
I try
Just remember the same
Old reason
Reflected in your eyes
You said you wanted me
Caught up in your wishin’ well
Your hopes inside it
Take your love ‘n’ promises
And make them last (you make them last)
Caught up in your wishin’ well
Your hopes inside it
Take your love ‘n’ promises
lil angels sub space 